So. I think it goes without saying that this has been a pretty rough summer. Well, maybe 'rough' isn't the right word. But it was strange, definitely.

I'm thinking I must be some kind of bad omen. Everyone around me that I'm close with, the people I love the most, end up falling away from me. And not once did I ever get the chance to say goodbye. It's.. a lot to take in. And home is completely different for me now.

It was just me and Kaz, all summer. And the house was way too quiet. And I found out that Kaz is a lousy cook, so I took over for him. I worry about him the most, actually. He's been a nervous wreck ever since it happened. I think he feels like he has to take care of me which.. technically, he does, at least until I'm 18.. but more often than not I feel like I have to be taking care of him. Plus he's already got a lot on his mind, this being his last year of law school. I always knew it would happen eventually.. Babcia was getting older, and our family's health history isn't the best.. but I didn't think it would end up quite like this. And not so soon.

So, I doubt anybody's wondering why I'm even back here, but.. I guess I'll explain anyway. There's no way I could stay in Boston. Because then I'd be forced to think about it, the fact that she's gone. Every day. When I'm here.. I can focus on other things, and slowly but surely move on. Plus, I feel like I have to finish what I started here. That's what Babcia would have wanted, I know it. Not to mention Ashbury's paying the rest of my way. I'm not even going to think about what I'm going to do for college.

All things considered, I'm fine. I'm going to work on this whole.. depressed, self-loathing Maggie thing. I.. think I'm over that. And I know it was my goal last year.. it's my goal every year, really.. but.. I'm going to try to be more social this year. My senior year, of all times. But still. I just want to be happy. Because I know that's all she ever wanted for me, and I want to at least give her that.

Life seemed to be looking up for Magda Harding. Sure, she'd just recently broken up with Robyn, but that was just a minor bump in an otherwise smooth road. And, really, the breakup was probably the best thing to happen to Maggie for a long time. It freed her, somehow. She didn't need him, or anyone, for that matter, to be happy. And if it took a messy argument like theirs to open her eyes, then so be it.

( + )

---

( OOC )

It's over. It's probably been over for a long time now, but it's finally official. Robyn and I are no more. And right now, I feel strangely relieved. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Already I feel like I'm breathing easier.

Am I sad? Not really. Disappointed? Yes. Angry? Absolutely. After the things he said to me, how can I not be? It's amazing what comes out during a fight; things I never dreamed he would think about me, things I didn't know I thought about him. Actually, looking back on it, it's kind of amusing. It's like we secretly hated each other all along.

I think I can safely say we were never "in love." The thought of it is silly to me now. Even as much as he says he was, he probably wasn't. It was an illusion; we were in love with the idealized versions of ourselves. Or, in Robyn's case, he was in love with poetry, and the idea of love, but not me. It's all so clear and obvious now.

I don't hate him. Well, right now I do, but I'll get over it. And I don't regret our relationship. I do, however, regret that night..

I'm amazed that I haven't cried. Well, a few tears were shed during our argument, but that was nothing. I'm perfectly calm. It's.. definitely not how I thought I would react, but hey, it's better than being miserable.

After all this, I think, now, I can finally grow up.

So many thoughts swimming around in my head, and yet I can't find it in me to write down a single one. I feel like I've lost everything. And, in a way, I have.

Robyn and I. It happened. In the worst way possible, it happened. I knew I wasn't ready, and I was so uncomfortable to the point that it drove me to tears. I hated feeling that way. Just thinking about it makes me want to break down, all over again. I don't know how I let myself go through with it.. he asked me, several times, if I was sure. I could've stopped it, I could've waited, but no. I wanted to make him happy, just get it over with, so he'd stop talking about it, and now I'm pretty sure he hates me.

What really puzzles me is how he can claim to love me, yet he'd still make me do something I clearly didn't want to do. I was shaking, I was in pain, I was horrified, but he wouldn't stop. How could he do that to me? How could I do that to myself?

He's avoiding me, I know it. I didn't even see him for my birthday. I don't even know what we are anymore.

It couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm stressed. SATs, college hunting, finals coming up.. I can barely concentrate. It's consumed me, and it hurts.. and I'm tired of being hurt. More than that, I'm just tired.

I want to go home. More than ever, I just want to go home and never leave.

My emotions seem to go from one extreme to the other.. I'm either completely miserable or incredibly overjoyed. In this case, I'm the latter. I had an incredible weekend.. Robyn surprised me and took me out to a belated Valentine's Day dinner.. It was.. amazing. We were ourselves, we were comfortable, for the first time in a while.

Admittedly, at first I was.. apprehensive? I didn't know what to think about us.. I was so sure just a day before the date that he was ready to break up with me.. but then I found myself sitting across from him in the restaurant just unable to keep my eyes off of him.. and I kept telling myself just how lucky I am to have him. And now, of course, I feel ridiculous. All those assumptions I made, all the times I freaked out.. it was silly, it was stupid. And just like that.. we were past all of it. It felt right.. it felt good.

And now, I'm going to stop being gushy. I have homework to attend to, as if I'll be able to concentrate..

I should've known something like this was going to happen.. I feel so stupid.

I saw him today, in the cafeteria.. I got pretty excited, I was about to go sit with him, even.. but before I could even get remotely close.. Verity came along. Verity. Here's someone who could have anyone she wanted, and she goes after my boyfriend. And he.. they were sitting so close, and he put his arm around her.. maybe there's already something going on, maybe it's been happening for a while.. I shouldn't have been such a wimp, such a prude. I should've just given him what he wanted and maybe then we'd be happier. And now I'm going to lose him.. he's going to realize that I'm too hesitant and stupid and afraid, and he's going to go to someone who will give him what he wants.. someone prettier and more outgoing, someone with experience.

I didn't stick around to see what would happen, needless to say. I almost wish I hadn't seen what I did see in the first place. Now I'm paranoid.

I was a fool to think that this would work.. he's a guy, and he wants sex. And when guys want sex.. they want it as fast as possible.

He's going to break up with me, I know it. I wish there was another way to keep that from happening, I love him so much.. but the only way I can think to stop all of this is to finally give in.. to give myself.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.. it's not supposed to be this way, but.. what can I do? If I confront him, he might get mad.. or he might just not talk about it at all.. and I just can't ignore it, or he will go off to someone else, someone who can please him.. like Verity.

Maybe he'd be happier that way, with someone like her.. maybe he sees that now, he doesn't need me..

I need to talk about it. Or sleep on it, maybe. Maybe things will seem better in the morning.

I feel like I'm being melodramatic, but the past week or so has been.. bad. For a while, things between Robyn and I were just awkward.. and it was mostly my doing, I'll admit it. I don't know why, I just got scared. I wanted to distance myself, think things through. But.. it didn't really help.

So I tried tutoring him.. figured maybe thinking about math was better than thinking about.. other things. But he kinda got mad at me, then we made up, we did a few problems, we really made up, then I was about to leave, then he decided we needed to talk.. which, of course we did, but I was just tired and frustrated and confused and all I wanted to do was.. go to bed or something.

The good thing is.. we came to a solution. I think. The whole thing was very strange, and it turned out that all the aggravation over the past week was just caused by a lack of communication.. so we talked, and.. hopefully things will be better. Hopefully I'll be better.

I don't know, I just kinda wish I had someone else to talk to about this.. a new perspective. But who can I talk to? I don't really have any close friends here I can confide in.. and there's no way I'm telling Kaz about any of this. I kind of want to talk to Sam, she is my roommate after all, but we're not really that close or anything. She's busy with her club and all, haven't spent too much time with her. Plus she'd probably look down on me or something, think I was stupid.. I don't know, I don't even know what she's really like, and that's.. strange, to me. A lot of things are strange lately.

Also, I don't think I've ever missed home like I do right now..

So, I have a roommate now.

I'm not sure what to think about it. Her name's Sam, and she seems nice.. but it feels weird. I'm not really a picky person when it comes to having my own space, but so far it just seems awkward. I think we're both a little apprehensive and/or reluctant about it. It would probably be a whole lot different if it weren't for the situation I've got going with Robyn... and I still don't quite know what to do about that, either.

I guess, for the moment, I'm trying not to think about it, and focus on my schoolwork. Problem is, I eventually run out of schoolwork. I can only do the same pre-calculus assignments so many times. And oddly enough, I just can't read anymore. I can't focus, it gives me a headache. The pages make me dizzy.

I should really talk to him.. or at least attempt to, but who knows how it'll work out. I'm like a time bomb of emotions.

What really scares me, though, is that I actually kind of want to do it..

So, just a thought or two before I go to bed..

Robyn and I.. our relationship took an interesting turn. We started talking about.. sex. Well, at least we tried to? I was pretty flustered, and I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of cried and got hysterical, and I'm really pretty embarrassed about that.. it definitely didn't make him very comfortable, and now I think I've just pushed the topic away even further.. whether or not that's a good thing is yet to be determined.

I love him. I do, I know I do. And he loves me. And I'm so incredibly glad that we can both say that, and know that it's true, and be comfortable with it.. but then the next natural step is..

Would it be foolish and cliche to say that I'm not ready? I mean, how exactly can I not be ready? I know that if my first time were with him, I would not regret it in the least. Is it because I'm too young? I'm 16.. and I'm supposed to be a "young woman" or whatever.. but sometimes I still feel like I'm just a child, with a lot to learn. Sex just seems like such an adult thing. That's probably how it's meant to be.

Plus, I've heard all the horror stories about sex changing everything. Kaz filled me in on all this many times. I'm just so scared that Robyn will be different, or I'll be different, and it won't work out between us, and then I'll regret doing it.. and I don't want to regret it. No matter what happens, I don't want to regret it.

But then again, if having sex were to be the breaking point for us, then were we meant to be anyway? I'm not saying that it should be used as some sort of test or anything, but.. god, I really need to think about this.

Maybe we're both just too young. Although.. Robyn is about two years older than me.. two years doesn't seem like that big of a gap, but 18 is a lot different from 16. He probably has different needs.. needs that I couldn't comprehend right now.

Plus, well, technically, it's illegal.

The negatives tend to outweigh the positives, but I just can't help but wonder. I feel like I haven't been the best girlfriend to him.. I'm not very open, I'm an emotional wreck, and sometimes.. like today.. I feel like all I do is just push him away. Judging by all that, he should not love me. But he does. Is there a better way to show him that I'm willing to be open, and I won't push him away anymore? More importantly, is there a better way to show him just how much I love him?

If there is.. I can't think of it.
And that's probably because my mind is just in a whirlwind right now.

I'm going to try to go to sleep. But I doubt it'll happen.

I don't want to lose him. Not now, not like this.

Well, I survived winter break. But to tell the truth, I missed Robyn a lot. He actually almost came along, but he ended up going back to Detroit for the break.. which, in the end, was probably a good decision. I mean we can't be together all the time, so it was good to get some distance. But it sure didn't feel that way.

I still had fun, though. It was good to be back in Boston. Kaz got a new apartment in Hyde Park, it's really nice. Now poor Babcia's living all alone.. Kaz still visits frequently, but it's not the same. If only my grandfather was still around, or if only there was someone to give her company, I get so scared that she's sad and lonely, and I can't be there for her. Sometimes I think about going back to school in Boston, but that would probably upset her more, knowing that I'm giving up on something I truly want.

Anyway, other than all that, this new year is looking pretty good.. in fact, junior year has been treating me well so far.

I haven't talked to Robyn since I got back.. I think I'll give him a call now.

Is it wrong of me to not want to go home?

Of course I miss Kaz and Babcia.. and I love being home.. but for the first time in the year that I've been at Ashbury, I feel content.. I have Robyn now, and it's wonderful. Except we're both a little sad about not being able to see each other over break. I think he's taking it worse than I am..

I thought about inviting him back to Boston with me, but I don't know how he'd feel about that.. he might be uncomfortable there. Plus I don't know how Kaz would feel about it.

I'm just really hoping I don't screw it up this time.. I like Robyn a lot, there's a kind of understanding there that Jameson and I didn't have.. I don't really know how to explain it, but it feels nice.

I'm not looking forward to taking the train back to Boston.. I don't like taking the train altogether.. it smells, and there are so many unfamiliar, sad faces. But this particular trip is going to feel lonely.. lonlier than usual.

So, uh, I have a boyfriend?

So this is definitely a good thing.. Robyn is great and I really enjoy being around him.. despite the fact that he always seems nervous or uncomfortable around me.. but then again I'm not really Miss Outgoing either. That's the thing.. we have so much in common.. it just kind of fits, really. It makes sense.

What doesn't make sense is why anyone would ever want to be my boyfriend..

But this is going to be better, I know it.. I think in a way we kind of help each other.

I haven't told Kaz yet.. I don't know what he'll think. I'm sure he'd be happy for me in some way, or at least he'd act like it.. but he's of course the typical protective big brother.. and after what happened last time.. I just don't know.

((Yeah, ditto))

( Maggie )

Got this from Zezrae's journal..

( Read more... )

Now I'm bored again.

I haven't written in this thing for a while.. basically because nothing has been happening for a while.

The other day I met a new girl.. and I was actually the first person she talked to at Ashbury. Which, now that I think about it, it makes sense as to why she put up with me for so long, she didn't have anyone else to compare me to.

Anyway, her name's Zezrae and she seemed really nice.. probably a little nuts, but nice. She gave me this really gorgeous, expensive necklace.. and I have absolutely no idea why. All I did was give her a tour and keep her company for a while. Bah.. in a few days she'll probably have so many friends, I'll barely be a distant memory. That's how it seems to go, anyway.

One thing that really woke me up today was seeing a picture of Zez and her friend.. I caught a glimpse of it while she was unpacking. It makes me really.. I don't know, just SAD, to think about how much I've missed out on.. like the mere concept of a best friend.. I've never known that. And the way she talked about her Dad.. even though she didn't sound too fond of him.. it's just weird, the fact that I never got to experience arguments with my parents..

I've never had the good or the bad, it's always been the in-between. And it's boring.

But anyway.. that was very depressing of me. But then again, isn't everything?

I'm tired of feeling this way. I should reach out more. Not only that, I need to. New year, new start maybe?

But wait, wasn't that supposed to happen last year? Oh hell.

So, tomorrow's my birthday, and do I have any plans? Of course not. Writing, studying, and staying curled up on my bed, being antisocial and homesick. My first birthday away from the family... it's gonna suck. I've been talking to Kaz pretty much on a daily basis.. I don't really talk to anyone here on a regular basis.. not since Jameson left.

Well there is one exception. I've talked to Robyn quite a bit, and we hit it off pretty well. We worked together on that health project, and for the first time since Jameson left I kind of opened up to someone around here. It felt nice.. heh, who knew that having friends would feel nice..

Is it bad that I miss Jameson? Even the tiniest little bit? It's been months, I know, but I just can't forget about him. I miss that kind of companionship. But at the same time.. I don't want to make that same mistake again. I don't want to get hurt again. Maybe that's why I've been so antisocial. If you're alone, no one can hurt you.

Okay, I'm done being depressing. I think I'll go read the Hitchhiker's Guide. That always cheers me up.

For the first time in.. a while.. ever since I met Jameson.. I can definitely say that I'm not happy.

( OOC: Phone call )

So during the phone call, instead of fixing a current problem, I seem to have created a new one. Score one more point for Maggie.

It's never been this.. awkward and tense. What am I doing to the relationships around me? I feel like I'm just.. destroying everything in my path, without even knowing it.

What's odd is that Jameson is so oblivious. I haven't exactly.. talked to him about it yet. How can I? Everytime I try to, I clam up. I have to talk about something else. He might be starting to suspect something.. but then again, I've always been a nervous wreck, so there's really no difference at all.

Everything seemed to be going so well at first. Ugh.

So, yesterday was the first day of classes.. Not really a big deal, everything seemed to go fine. Saw Jameson a lot.. we have a few classes together, so that was nice. But at the same time.. not. Because I'm paranoid, and worried that somehow he knows what I said. Definitely not pulling that again.

Anyway.. classes. I don't think I should have any trouble this year.. as if I ever do. Except for phys ed. Phys ed. is what gets me. That whole.. klutz thing.. never goes over well with gym teachers.

I have a paper due tomorrow for Miss Lexington's class.. but that was a breeze. I did it as soon as I got back from class. My instinct was to write about Updike, but since it's an English lit class I had to choose an English author.. so I did it on Jane Austen. Not my favorite, but I've read three of her books, so it was appropriate. I think I'm going to go reread it now.. I brushed right by the whole thing, want to make sure I didn't miss anything or make any mistakes.

Please don't be like freshman year.

Okay. So.

I definitely spent the night in Jaime's dorm a few nights ago.

I.. I still don't know why, but he asked me to, and.. and I said yes. And it was.. nice. And comfortable. And right. Wasn't too awkward or anything.. there was a slight misunderstanding, but it worked itself out. Heh. It was innocent, really. We just talked for a little bit and.. then we fell asleep. Together. But we didn't sleep together. No.. no, no.

What surprised me most was the fact that I actually stayed. Ha.

Kaz would flip.

What he doesn't know won't hurt me.

And besides, he has no room to judge, after what he did.

But still.. man.

And I.. kind of told Jaime that I.. love him. But it was in Polish. So. He doesn't know that.. yet. I don't know why I said it.. it just kinda.. came out. Did I mean it? It's kind of soon for that.. that word. And I don't think he loves me. He cares about me, and he likes me, and he likes spending time with me.. but.. he doesn't love me. I don't know why I said it. Do I even know what love is? Well. The plus side is, he didn't understand it. So I've got time to think about this, and about how stupid I am. I shouldn't have said it. Now it's going to plague my mind and I'll feel.. totally guilty because I.. I can't tell him what "kocham was" means. I can't. It'd freak him out. And I don't want to potentially lose him over something stupid like that. It would be just my luck.

I hope I meant it, though..